These past few months have been emotionally draining for me. I feel like I’m trapped in hell and there’s no way to escape it. I’m at my breaking point, and I don’t know much longer I’ll be able to deal with this. I just want to crawl into a big hole and never come out. I want to be anywhere but here. Everything was going so good a few months ago, and then out of nowhere everything just start going downhill, fast. One bad thing after another is continuing to happen and I don’t know how much longer this will go on until it stops. I feel so weak, I have no energy left in me. Zero. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I can’t watch my family fall apart like this. Everyone is suffering and I can’t do anything about it. These past two weeks have been probably the worst weeks of my life. Having two people who you love dearly die one week after each other, absolutely sucks. One’s hard enough, but two makes everything two times worse. I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in my life. I hate showing people when I’m weak, I hold it all in, but I just can’t hold it in anymore no matter how hard I try. I know I’m suppose to stay strong for my family but how am I suppose to do that when I can’t even stay strong for myself? 

I really think I’m at the breaking point where if one more thing happens, anything, I’ll just be pushed over the edge. I’m really at the point where I just want to pop a couple of pills in my mouth and die. I’d rather be dead then be alive dealing with all of this shit. Keep pushing me and watch what happens. You’ll regret it, I promise you that.

Just because I don’t go around broadcasting my problems, doesn’t mean I don’t have any. I have a lot. I wonder if people actually knew what I’ve gone through/still go through if they would continue to add on more bullshit for me to deal with. I don’t need pity, I just need people to fucking understand.

It’s crazy how just one person can leave you feeling so insecure. 

What’s the point of opening up to people and letting them know how you feel when it gets you nowhere?

I don’t care if I have to remain a virgin forever. I refuse to just lose it to somebody just to lose it. I want it to actually mean something. 

I absolutely love giving people advice. Like I love love love it. So please never hesitate to ask me for advice when you need it. The only problem is when everyone writes anonymously in my ask box asking for advice it takes me some time to answer considering I don’t want to blow my page up. So if you need advice it would be best if you wrote non anonymously. I know people get nervous about that, but I’ll write back privately to you. I won’t judge you and I won’t even remember you so you have nothing to worry about. <3 

Slowly losing all my guys friends, one by one. Ugh :( 

This is my last shot. I’m giving it my all. I have nothing to lose. We’ll see where this goes and if it doesn’t go anywhere then I guess it’s not meant to be. Everything happens for a reason. 

So I’m drunk right now and I decided that this is the perfect time for me to vent since I can get everything off my chest. I’m really upset right now. The fact that I genuinely like you a lot and you send me mixed signals all the time, kills me. One minute you seem like you care and the next minute I feel like you really don’t. I want to like explain to you how I feel but I can’t because I’m scared you’ll run. The last time I told you how I felt I was so embarrassed because you pretty much agreed with me but you put no effort into your response. I don’t know about you but I don’t fall easily whatsoever for people. I’m extremely picky and it’s very, very hard for me to develop feelings for guys. So when I actually start to like someone, it’s serious. I take it all very serious. And I know I may not show it because on the outside I play the whole “I don’t really care” thing but inside it’s actually killing me. I just don’t like showing how I feel because I feel like once I let me walls down everything takes a turn for the worst so I just refuse to do it. But then I bottle everything up inside, so it’s like either way I’m screwed. Whatever choice I make just ends up sucking in the end. If you just told me how you felt my life would be so much easier. Do you really like me or not? If you just told me how you truly felt my life would be so much easier. This is the second time trying this and I thought this time would be different and at first I honestly thought that things would be different because I felt like you changed for the better. But now things are going back to when things started going downhill and I don’t like it. t’s way too soon for this to start happening. I shouldn’t be this effected by this since it just recently started happening but it is. And that scares me because you have the power to either make me really happy or really upset. I don’t want to have to deal with this and worry about it. I have school and basketball to worry about and this is just weighing me down. Their are so many other people in this world that actually give a shit, so why do I bother wasting my time on you? And it’s so weird, because one minute I really care about this and the other minute I’m just like whatever, I really don’t care. I’m probably going to regret typing all of this tomorrow and just delete it but I really needed to get this off my chest. I guess being intoxicated does this to you. I need to stop caring about people who don’t care about me. I just wish you cared as much as I do.

Ahhh it’s my birthday today, I just turned seventeen and got my license! :) So happy <3

I came to the conclusion that I am not ready for a relationship of any sort. No matter how badly I want one and would like to have one, I just can’t. Timing is key, and right now the timing is very, very bad.