I want my grandma to get better. She’s one person I know I can completely count on that’s left in my life. And the fact that she may physically be here but not emotionally literally destroys me inside. When will my family get a break? I just want my grandma back :(

Why do I continue to focus all my energy on people who don’t give a shit about me, while I push away all the people that do? I will never understand why I do this. And it honestly scares me for my future. If I keep doing this everyone I care about will eventually leave and I’ll be left alone. With no one. And that scares me.

All I want is someone to fight for me and make me feel like I’m important to them, like I actually matter. Is that too much to ask for?

Everyone that has been there for me, can stay. But everyone that hasn’t you can stay out, didn’t need you then, don’t need you now. I’ve been doing this on my own for so long that I don’t need your help. 

I came to a really good realization this morning when I woke up. I don’t even know how I finally came to realize this but I’m happy I did. I want to be happy, I need to make it happen. Me sitting in my room drowning myself with depressing music, thinking of negative thoughts, and just putting myself down is not the answer. Me slamming doors, punching things and hurting myself is not the answer. NONE of this is making anything better, all it’s doing is making everything so much worse. I know I can’t help the way I feel but I can try and change it and get through it in a better way. Pushing people that love me away because of how depressed I’ve been lately is not only hurting the other person but it’s also hurting me. A lot has changed this past year, it came all at once and just slapped me in the face and I didn’t really know how to get through it. I just constantly put myself down and allowed myself to get so so weak. That is not who I am nor who I want to be. Everyone goes through a downfall in life and I guess this was mine. Am I going to be this extremely happy girl that I use to be right away? Nope. It could take a while, but I’m going to slowly start to make progress. I can do it, I WILL DO IT. No matter how upset or angry I am about things that happened, it will not change the situation. Life doesn’t stop for anybody so it doesn’t stop for me. Time to realize that things change, people change, feelings change, and you can’t control it, it just happens. It’s time to be happy.

I’m not happy anymore, and it absolutely sucks. I’m a totally different person now and I fucking hate it. I want to go back to how I used to be, happy. I’m not happy anymore, at all. I use to jump at any moment to hangout with my friends, whatever we were doing, but lately I’d prefer to sit in my bed with my head phones on and drowned myself with depressing music and quotes. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t trust anyone anymore, not my friends not my parents no one. I’m so broken. I lost all trust in just about everyone, there is no one I completely trust anymore. So much has happened to me this year it’s overbearing. I’m just done with everything and I’ve just about had it. Will this feeling of pain ever go away because it feels like it’s been going on for forever and I’m waiting for it be over but it won’t end.

I really don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to deal with everything going on. I don’t need pity, I just need to vent. I’m sick and tired of my parents, friends, and just everything in general. I’m in desperate need of help, and I don’t know how else to get my parents to realize. I just don’t enjoy life anymore, I’m constantly upset and annoyed with everyone and everything around me. I should of got help along time ago but I didn’t. I use to be a total different person months ago, I was always happy and things really didn’t get to me, but recently I’ve changed dramatically. Everything gets to me and I’m constantly upset. I know no matter how badly I want this to blow over, it won’t.

Feeling unwanted is probably one of the worst feelings ever.

These past few months have been emotionally draining for me. I feel like I’m trapped in hell and there’s no way to escape it. I’m at my breaking point, and I don’t know much longer I’ll be able to deal with this. I just want to crawl into a big hole and never come out. I want to be anywhere but here. Everything was going so good a few months ago, and then out of nowhere everything just start going downhill, fast. One bad thing after another is continuing to happen and I don’t know how much longer this will go on until it stops. I feel so weak, I have no energy left in me. Zero. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. I can’t watch my family fall apart like this. Everyone is suffering and I can’t do anything about it. These past two weeks have been probably the worst weeks of my life. Having two people who you love dearly die one week after each other, absolutely sucks. One’s hard enough, but two makes everything two times worse. I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in my life. I hate showing people when I’m weak, I hold it all in, but I just can’t hold it in anymore no matter how hard I try. I know I’m suppose to stay strong for my family but how am I suppose to do that when I can’t even stay strong for myself? 

I really think I’m at the breaking point where if one more thing happens, anything, I’ll just be pushed over the edge. I’m really at the point where I just want to pop a couple of pills in my mouth and die. I’d rather be dead then be alive dealing with all of this shit. Keep pushing me and watch what happens. You’ll regret it, I promise you that.